It's Difficult to be.....

A woman.

Who misses her children everyday.

And i totally missed out on blgging about my daughter. I am pretty sure she is gonna be saddened to see all the post on her brother, but not her. I don't blog anymore. It seems that i prefer to keep my thoughts into memories in my head. Rather than penning it down. Or in this case, blog.

My princess. I was a bad Mom. Somehow with you, i dont look after myself well. I don't eat well. I don't rest well. And i don't control my emotions well. During the time when i was carrying you, i was living with your grandparents. And life was not really smooth. With having your brother who is still a baby, and the weight i have to bear, carrying you around, i was pretty much an emotional wreck. I am angry most of the time, and i cry half of the time as well. And to that dear Aira, Ibu is sorry.

And then u came. 15 Dec 2010.

I have no idea how the pain was like delivering you cos i chickened and took epidural. Cos u didnt give me any contractions but u made my a**hole so painful! i really have no idea why. The pain was overhwelming and i was already 5cm dilated and didnt even know. So then came Epidural. Which i regretted cos u can't be delivered right away and we waited the next morning to push u out. Effortlessly. :(

But u were such an easy baby my dear Aira. Unlike your brother, u didn't cry as often for milk. And the first night in the hospital, u managed to nearly sleep the night through. U sleep and sleep and didn't feed as often till i got worried, u may not be fed enough.

The other regret i have is i wasn't able to breastfeed u enough. i only manaed up to 4 months. In fact, after your delivery, i wasn't producing as much milk as i should. I blame it on me still giving to your brother while carrying you. Which i know i shouldn't. And having wisdom tooth did not help with te situation. I had to take medication to lessen the swollen gums thus why i had to stop breastfeeding you. by the time the medication is finished, you don't want breastmilk anymore. :(

i can go on and on about my regrest for not fulfilling much as a Mom but my dear Aira, i love you with all my heart and never will i compare you with your brother.

We shall save more stories of you in my next post. Till then, see how beautiful u have turned out to be....